Do you often ask yourself “Am i too nice”? Growing up, we were always encouraged to be the nice guy/girl. Truth be told, being too nice is overrated. Are people really happy with overly nice people? Are the nicest of people happy with themselves?
Truth be told, being so nice often leads to resentment. People fill their minds with so much internal anger. Internal anger causes problems in professional and personal lives. It directly impacts your positivity and productivity. Worst case of internal anger happens when it affects personal lives.
Overly nice people do not hold others accountable for things they agreed to do. Eventually, they help in the tasks, which others should be doing. Imagine a manager getting involvement in micromanagement day in and day out. It wouldn’t prove helpful to the manager or the organization.
What people fail to see, when they are behaving too nice, is it doesn’t help others too. People don’t get to know what you are thinking. You often end up sugarcoating everything for people. Too much niceties robs you of an honest relationship. At the end, there will be no true friend, you can count on.
When you are being too nice, you don’t say it, when others are doing things in an inappropriate way. Such a lack of genuine communication, kills other people’s ability to do things differently. They are never going to fix problems, which they never realized. Too much niceties backfire on you, more often than not.
The being too nice pattern, has to stop. Telling people the whole truth, nothing but the truth alone, sets you free. You got to state the absolute facts in the way they are. Misrepresentation of facts is just a form of manipulation. Instead of manipulating people into liking you, express yourself admirably authentic.
Let the other person show up and fix what’s broke. Give them a chance to show their real colors. You can’t judge him/her without providing an opportunity. Trying to make them look good, when they are not is stressful. It’s stress for you and everybody else. You don’t want to get jaded that way.
The most important reason why you should stop being too nice is the bad image you would create on yourself. The people, for whom you are acting too nice, won’t appreciate it often. They will not find it easy to trust you, when you are putting a front. People can spot a pretend from a distance.
Imagine you are being in a relationship and your partner doesn’t express real feelings. You can’t trust what he/she says or promises. Vice versa, when you are saying nice words more often that you should, you are putting pressure on your partner to say them as many times.
I remember a friend of mine told me about this random question generator that she used to get nice questions to ask her boyfriend. She constantly had the pressure of being nice to him. That is what made her use a tool like random question generator to come up with questions and conversation tips.
The point I’m trying to make here is that when you are being too nice in a relationship, you are literally asking your partner to pretend. No one likes to be in a relationship where he/she has to pretend. All these points discussed about niceness, brings us to the ultimate question – is kindness killing you?
Are you a nice person or not?
Try answering these simple questions to know if you are nice. Every question only has two possible answers – yes or no. The number of yeses in your answers helps rate you in scale of nicety. Brutal honesty is what we would need of you, while answering the below questions.
- Do you not argue, when your spouse falsely claims you are not a good listener?
- Will you help a friend in packing and moving, when you actually want to say no?
- Do you consistently try to please a few, when they don’t appreciate you at all?
- Do you have trouble, making your own needs as top priority?
- Do you let go, when your friend steals something from you?
- Will you lend money to a friend, when you don’t think he/she deserves it?
- Do you see yourselves chatting with friends even when you are tired to do that?
- Do you often cast a smile or greet friends, before they do it?
- Do you bend over backwards to save your colleagues career wise, when they are wrong?
- Do you consistently see yourselves friend zoned before getting into relationship?
If you answered less than three yeses to the questionnaire, you are not nice. If you answered between three to five yeses, you are just nice. If you answered six or more yeses to the questionnaire, you are too nice. These are three distinct personalities with specific set of pros and cons to each. Let’s discuss the three different personalities in brief.
Not being nice:
You are being rigid with others, thereby limiting your chances to develop relationships. You tend to isolate yourself with such an attitude. When you are not out there to help others, you don’t develop a strong backing for you. A strong backing is essential to get through tough times. Not being nice to others, makes you look rash.
Try being nice to random people. Showing courtesy is essential in building your character. Weigh people rather than judging them. Surround yourself with people who are authentically nice. Show more kindness towards your loved ones. Be friends with people who have common interests with you. Be nicer and kinder to your circles, while being yourself.
You are there in perfect zone, right between less nice and overly nice personalities. You are likely to develop real friends. Genuine friendships count in the long run. People with friends live longer comparatively. You are likely to have a good backing, when you go through tough times. Surrounding yourself with people like you would do wonders.
Learn to handle all sorts of people. Never let people take your niceness for granted. All you need to do is to make your boundaries clear with people. Just because you are perfect, it doesn’t mean people would gain perfection. You need to be assertive, which shouldn’t be difficult, courtesy of your integrity.
This post is made, specifically for you. In later sections, we would discuss how to stop being too nice and underlying reasons for being too nice. Being overly nice, you are likely to get more jaded. You aren’t doing any favor for you or for others. Your kindness, manners and character is more likely to come off as desperate.
There is no pleasing a few people and you shouldn’t try to change that. You need to stick up for yourself, more than you do now. Your needs and wants should be the top priority. When you need a rest, you should just take it. Unless it’s an emergency for your dear ones or a stranger, you shouldn’t change that pattern.
How to stop being too nice?
You can blame your peers, all you want. Nevertheless, changing your personality begins with you. You can never state the other person’s sensitivity as the reason for you being too nice. It is 100% your fault, when you try to not express yourselves authentically.
Imagine you need to tell something, not to the liking of your friend or partner. The key is to say it politely, but unapologetically. The bottom-line is you got to say it. The worst case would be you adjusting for his/her issues. Do not try to be a hero, day in and day out.
Make people realize their responsibility by saying what you need to say. It helps to hold your integrity without too much effort. It helps being true to yourself and the ones you love. When it comes to relationships, truth is your best friend. Make your mouth and heart say the same thing.
When you practice saying things out loud, you need to be speaking the truth. There should be no blaming, pointing fingers or making someone else guilty. You need to take responsibility before asking others to do the same. We are talking about ownership language. Whatever you say should tag along with high level of assertiveness. Ifs and buts don’t belong in being authentic.
Speaking of being authentic, you should take a stand whenever you have to. Climbing up the walls doesn’t go along with your authentic personality. When you speak authentically, you honor yourself. Learn to love the tension, which is an inevitable company.
Physical aspect of not being too nice, matters as much as the mental aspect. Physical aspect is primarily around body language. For starters, notice how much you smile. Do not smile at people, before they smile at you. Cautiously try to smile lesser than you normally would. Control your impulses of smiling generously.
Tune your gestures to avoid looking too inviting. Make eye contact at all times. Don’t give up on eye contact, since it shows you want to avoid any probable tension. Looking like a bit of a threat never hurt anybody.
Slow down your body language as much as you can. Do not nod or shake your head. A straight faced, ‘yes’ or ‘no’ would do. Do not make quick and freaky movements that come by instinct. You need to make your movements clear and deliberate.
Why am I so nice to people?
Am i too nice ? Why am I so nice to people? These questions are anything, but compliments. The questions are intended to explore the underlying causes of nice guy syndrome. By learning the causes, you can undo it.
Being too nice is all about fear. Overly nice people try to get people to like them. They fear fighting for their cause, all alone. They wish to always carry an entourage with them. They care so much about building some backing, while forgetting they should count on themselves more.
You don’t try to be too nice without any reason. One of the plausible causes would be to avoid confrontations. You might probably like to combat issues through escapism. The problem with such an approach is that it works only temporarily.
Overconfidence is another reason for acting too nice. It makes you try to be a hero. You work really hard to make things okay, when they are not. This leads to resentment of worst degree. Such a way of staying too nice at present, makes mess in future. You are likely to end up blaming yourselves and the other person.
When you are being too nice in a relationship, it screams for an emergency. You are trying to reassure how much you like each other, every single moment. It’s the route to a disastrous and stressful relationship. When you are making yourselves a martyr in relationship, your efforts are seldom appreciated. All decisions in a relationship should serve the interests of both parties.
When you try to reassure your love, day in and day out in a relationship, you put immense pressure on your partner. Your partner feels obliged to express his/her love more often than they would. They get into a mindset, where they think they have to pretend to be overly in love.
Being too nice is a form of addiction too. By instinct, you would smile more to greet people. You would be obsessed with pleasing other people. It’s not something, without which you can’t live. It is a type of addiction, which can be addressed with slightest of caution.
In some cases, by being too nice, one tries to manipulate people into liking him/her. What one needs to understand is such a liking isn’t strong. It should be traded for gaining authority figure, any day.
In friendships, being overly nice is a strategy used to avoid confrontations. The victims, who are the culprits as well, must understand, if confrontations happen or even friendships broke, it’s on the other party. Do not blame yourself for not saving the friendships single-handedly.
One of the interesting causes of people acting too nice is their environment. Other people can make them feel like they owe something. Even when people do you a favor, you don’t owe them anything. A favor stays a favor.
The final reason for being too nice is confusing kindness with being desperate. Try showing authentic kindness rather than namesake kindness.
From now on stop asking yourself, ‘Am i too nice’. Instead, ensure you are being just nice.